June went by in a blur- I started a couple of posts, but really didn't hit either blog- too much chaos both at work and at home.

My father sent me some more pictures of the yard at the house in Brigham City, which I've added to my albums.  I'm planning on visiting before too awful much more time elapses, and when I do, maybe we'll get some stuff slapped on that grill he says is for company.  Now I may be family, but I think I still count as company!  The flowers are clearly doing well, and I think the yard looks scrumptious- there's still some painting going on, and if it takes long enough, maybe I can contribute my meager bit to the home improvement effort!

Still in the Eighteenth and Nineteenth Centuries

Well, as I note in my book list, I finished Stevenson's "The Master of Ballantrae" during June.  Actually, I think that's early twentieth century (have to check the dates again), but the story is set firmly in the eighteenth.  I was really enjoying the journeying through early colonial New York, since I was born and raised in the general vicinity (actually a hundred miles away, but I drove through and traveled there often enough) of the areas where the final actions take place.  I like the idea that even though adultery and sibling rivalry to the point of fratricide are the core subjects the sensibilities of that era dictate that I don't need to be buried in the intimate details of those things.  I quite got the picture without having it shoved forcibly into my mind (which seems to be the modern norm for such subjects, at least in popular entertainments I occasionally subject myself to).

My current nighttime read (one I'm not progressing well on because I've usually pushed myself to the point where I'm dozing off even as I read) is an Easton Press edition of Thomas Paine's treatises on "The Rights Of Man"- also in the eighteenth century.  I should also dig up "Common Sense"- I'm sure I've got it somewhere- but boy was he a rabble-rouser.  But even last night I was seeing him mention what were attempts to establish a supranational body the likes of a United Nations or at least European Union in the early seventeenth century (by the extant French monarch sometime about 1610, IIRC).  Times like that I realize I could use a few good history refreshers (I had an 800 ["perfect"] on my American History achievement test [part of the SAT suites], but let's face it, even that was almost 40 years ago).

One can find Paine's enthusiasm and occasionally overly idealistic view of the world on campuses and political activist organizations world wide, I'm sure.  But it's good to try to understand roots, and reading these is a step- particularly with a hotly contested presidential election coming up.

Snafu

Well, I was supposed to get a colonoscopy earlier this week.  Fretted about finding everything, worried about all the side effects, etc.  Made arrangements for the time off, took the prescribed laxatives, and dealt with the consequences.  Then it occurred to me to call on my escort (because anesthesia is involved, I couldn't go alone- since I have no close friends or nearby adult family [at least that I could ask for favors of this sort], that's not easily done for me).  Found out that I hadn't made the need clear, that I had no way to get there other than to get a cab (and the time was too short for that to be feasible)- there were other complications as well, but end result was I canceled at the last minute.

Well, I rescheduled it, and I now know I don't need to fear the prep- I routinely go without solid food for that long just out of occasional bouts of laziness, and the rest wasn't a real problem either.  Dad says he's had several and there's really nothing to them- so I think I'll just be a little more considerate next time around and make sure ALL of the plans are in place before I commit another blunder of that sort.

Flotsam and Jetsam

• Melissa's making great progress in driver training.  Earlier tonight she interviewed me about my experiences as a licensed motorcyclist [I added a cautionary tale about dealing with a motorcycle accident from my days assisting the local emergency medical technicians when I was a volunteer firefighter in East Maine, NY].  She is also of course, still playing lots and lots of WOW and not much else.
• Got to the end of Lost Odyssey and decided to play it most of the way through again [but I've picked up a couple more and should pop them in soon].  I really liked it and it also happens to be my highest achievement score in any game yet.
• Hope to get my next car soon- I'll be breaking several of my traditions because I want Melissa to be able to drive it and also to use it for my trips to Utah- so I'll have air conditioning, a decent sound system, and an automatic transmission (cruise control too if it won't blow me out of the cash I've saved up for it).  I don't add hard assets to my net worth, so that number will take a beating (exacerbated by the recent market meltdowns)- c'est la vie.
• Per doctor's recommendation, I've been trying to follow something resembling the South Beach Diet.  I do pretty well most of the time, but I swear there are times when I would consider killing for a potato chip!  Where I've failed miserably is the recommendation to get some exercise.  I should walk to work, but I went in today at 1 AM, and will probably go back after I post this- I'm not comfortable walking that far by myself, even in Redmond, at that time of night.  Can't think Microsoft's Campus security would be fond of the idea, either...

Well, my father just sent me some more photos of the yard, and it shows just how hard and how well he and my mother have been working at it.  I added them to the main album above- "Flowers and spruced up yard at the Utah homestead".  It's not too long now before I make my annual pilgrimage out to see everyone in person- this certainly says I'll have an attractive place to stay!

The most recent post on my MSDN blog I entitled Passion and Persistence- trying to describe why I would voluntarily work (for free, no less) almost all the way through a three-day holiday weekend.  Well, my father's example has been a big part of that.  Most of my young life was spent at our home on East Maine Road in the township of Maine, Broome County, New York.  We had several acres (might have been about 9, but I could be wrong after all these years) and I remember mowing an acre or more of it regularly, raising (at various times) ducks, chickens, turkeys, Cornish game fowl, and rabbits [not to mention an occasional dog or cat].  We usually had a sizable vegetable garden- corn, peas, beans, potatoes, carrots, beets, lettuce, radishes, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, asparagus, peanuts, onions, watermelon, squash of several varieties, and I'm sure I forgot a few.  We also had fruit trees- apples and peaches at least, tried our hands a few times at spruce trees (for Christmas trees), and did a lot of clearing and other forms of work.  On a separate piece of property we also raised more crops of that sort, and also strawberries.  When I got older we did a lot of cutting and splitting of firewood- often local landowners would harvest older growth on their land, and we would come in and cut up the "tops" which weren't suitable for lumber.  We were always busy [and not always too happy about it], but Dad was even busier [not that we always observed that very well].

Now some of that was perhaps driven by a sense of necessity- we had a large family, and while my father was [eventually] an engineer, he had no college education, and an IBM engineer's pay wasn't what it later became [nothing like what I receive as a software engineer, even with inflation adjustments].  But I also think we got all that work because he felt it was good for us [whether we thought so or not].  On the whole, I'd have to say he was right.  Even then we often enjoyed it, at least at times...

So, in my case, I work hard, and I get to see my ideas become a reality, and have others in my team see them in action, and get positive feedback that I made things better with that extra bit of work.  In my Dad's case, we have some beautiful photos of a well-kept yard I can post for people to enjoy.  It may seem trite or trivial, but sometimes the work is its own reward- but it usually carries a lot of these side benefits as well.  Hope others can enjoy the photos as much as I have!

Perhaps I should save this post for Father's Day----- nahh, that would be too much like planning ahead!

Well, I just got Dad's latest photos up, and they look good to me.  He works really hard on the old homestead, and it sure shows- things look great there!  As I went through Safeway this afternoon, I just couldn't drum up much enthusiasm for my usual pre-prepared fare, so I've got yet another pot of Beef Stew a-brewing.  I can already smell the veggies simmering.  Stuck to much of the normal set of ingredients- beef, of course, taters (red this time, add a bit of color, maybe), 'shrooms, carrots and celery, some minced onions and a bit of garlic salt and a dash of chili powder [also some store bought stew seasoning mix and a little beef bouillon, since I make more than the packet is really supposed to be for).  My big experiment this time?  Two Serrano peppers of middlin' size.  Hope they don't overwhelm the rest the way the jalapenos did when I tried them (but I think I used more and bigger at that time)!!!

Straight comfort food- smells comforting, tastes comforting (so far- after all, when you stir it, you might as well haves a taste!), not all that much work- and it'll take me two or three days to finish it- by which time it will really be down to gooey goodness.  Many of my brothers-in-law are rather decent cooks- I'm not close to their league- but thanks to Ms Ray and a few other occasional peeks at the Food Network, I can at least fend a bit for myself from time to time.

One of the presidential candidates is bloviating on the telly at the moment- so I'm going to cut this short and go check out more of my recordings or maybe take a few more swings at them wild critters in the Ipsilon Mountains.  My rate at getting "Perfect" on the ring system is improving, but I'm far from scoring any of THOSE achievements...

Didn't mention Melissa passed her written exam last month and now has her learner's permit.  Don't think she's ready for a manual transmission just yet, though- so Mom's going to be the one doing most of the training, I suspect.  Still she ought to do OK [assuming she realizes that all the stuff she does in games is strictly forbiddden by the rules of the road, which I'm sure she does since she got something like 95% correct the first time through].

Time to go stir that simmering pot, again, and sneak me another taste!  Have fun, y'all!

It's been a very long time since I updated this blog- April was a terribly busy month, although it had its rewards when all was said and done.  I received a pleasant surprise at work (of the sort one can't discuss publicly, though), and Melissa decided a few times to spend some time playing Halo with Papa again, so all in all, it was worth it.

I've returned to my literary pursuits, but not devoting a lot of time to it.  My next book (well underway, but we'll see how long it takes me to finish) is Robert Louis Stevenson's Master of Ballantrae, purportedly one of his favorites.  I hadn't known (or at least recalled) prior to reading some of the introductory material that Stevenson was a Scot living in exile [self-imposed as far as I can tell].  The dialog is full of transcribed heavy Scottish dialog, and that has slowed things a bit- but after all, it adds to the flavor of the tale, and is much enjoyed.

I finally did something I should have done long ago, given my age- I went to visit the doctor for a full physical.  I've got a colonoscopy coming (just being careful, given the family history), and it appears the doctor wants to discuss treatment for some borderline to bad cholesterol readings.  But given that it's been many years since I had a physical (probably decades), I decided that isn't too bad.

My father sent me some pictures of the house in Utah- flowers and yard shots, but I've always been partial to posies, so I'll probably post the lot of 'em after I get home today [yes, I'm working on the Sabbath- but Melissa was home Saturday, and I hate to leave her alone when I have such little time with her, and I did have a lot to get done this weekend].

I've begun playing Lost Odyssey.  Grand Theft Auto IV I just can't bring myself to go with, even though there are aspects of the gameplay I'd find attractive [I don't like to play the bad guys, ever, and you can call it gritty or whatever, I'm not going to buy it].  The game I'm playing is OK, but after Oblivion, environments where I can't just go wherever I want to seem stifling somehow.  I think I'm fighting the final boss on the first disk- had my butt kicked soundly many times- so I've gone back and been levelling up to see if I can get past it.  Time will tell if I make it, or just give up and retry Oblivion (I'll have to start a new character, as my previous save is so locked up I can't use it- doors won't open, flames don't burn, just badly hosed] or Mass Effect [where I downloaded the add-on, but have never tried it].

Enough babbling for now- check in that test code I've finally got cleaned up, go get some groceries, head for home to either watch some recorded TV or play something [should probably add I've been at Civ III much and much this last month as well]...

L8r.

I took most of the last week off as vacation time.  The exceptions bracketed the time, I suppose- Monday I went in early in the morning (like 2 or 3 AM early) to finish up some work I'd intended to do the previous weekend, but hadn't because I had thought my daughter would not be visiting and it turned out she was.  Monday evening, I went in again to help one of our contract engineers with a DSF problem [which in the end turned out to be a test driver problem, not DSF] I'd promised to help her with [before I'd fully decided I'd gone too long without a vacation].  Friday I went in because my lead had sent me a message saying we weren't able to run a test pass because the appropriate binaries were no longer available [we have to retest earlier releases before service packs and many QFEs can go out, so old tests have to be available for quite a while].  So I went in, found the code, and built them all in the morning so they'd be available that day.

The rest of the time I just hung around the apartment.  Cleaned up parts of it.  Played some of my usual extremely long games of Civilization III and later Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri.  Hardly touched the XBox, except for a few rounds of Bejeweled.  Made some more Beef Stew- this time I tossed in some sliced mushrooms and even a bit of jalapeno pepper [Melissa doesn't much care for either, but she wasn't around].  Stayed up until morning, and slept all day.  Caught up quite a bit on shows I had recorded but not watched [still have to start in on Witchblade and Speed Grapher, though].  Paid a few bills.  Didn't see anyone, didn't go anywhere except to get food and my mail [and to renew my lease].

I thought about work quite a bit [that's a big part of my life, so it's unavoidable], but there was no pressure to act [until Friday- I finally gave in then]- but it was close- there have been plenty of things going on there, and I did check my email pretty regularly.

But when I went in Friday morning, I bounded up the two flights of stairs to my office- scurried into the kitchen, waited impatiently for the coffee machine to brew that perfect cup [I'm getting better at adding cream and sugar while it's brewing to make better use of the wait time], grabbed a soda and hurried back.  A far cry from the previous Friday and so many before that where I had to push myself to do anything, and moved in some sort of fog, and anything but quickly.

R&R- it works- so the time off was a good idea no matter what I missed while I was gone.

Furthermore- I'm sure now that retirement and I will get along just fine- if I survive physically and financially to see it, anyway.  Less than 9 years to minimum Social Security age, 13 to my age for "full" benefits, and 17 for the "maximum" ones.  Of course, my Dad was already retired by my age, so I suppose I'm behind schedule, there.

Something to dream about and hope for, anyway.  In the meantime, there's college and those early adult years [when there is usually some need for help] for Melissa, and a few more years of career [not that I care to think of it as such- the term has always seemed ostentatious and supercilious to me- I prefer to just call it a job] left.

Hopefully those years will include a few more of my "didn't do a damned thing, and had an absolutely wonderful time doing it, thank you" vacations.

Well after my latest post here, I went to work and while working on some new test code I posted this article about an attempt to understand some problems people were having with our software.  As it turns out, I ended a bit too soon- the problems would have been there to see if I had just waited long enough for them to show up.

Now usually I would have tried to put up something about it fairly quickly- not many people read my MSDN blog, but those who do are usually concerned about KMDF installation issues [which oddly enough was never part of my job- I just kind of kept sticking my nose into that business, and now it's mine in a lot of eyes, like it or not].

But after I got home from work that Saturday, I had to take Melissa home, and then look at the empty apartment and figure out what to do next.  I was feeling rather depressed [because I've not been making the progress I want to on some of my work], so to cheer myself up, I decided to play Sid Meier's Civilization III. 

Well, Sid's games are just way too much fun!  I spent hour after hour glued to the PC- didn't get up to eat or drink anything.  Too busy conquering the world (actually I got totally trounced in that particular game- too rusty, I guess)!

Paying the price

The price made itself evident early the following week.  Monday, I just didn't feel well, so I returned to the game and again neglected basic self-care for a while [ahh, the freedom of the bachelor's life].  Tuesday I found myself bleeding from places I shouldn't have been, and making many trips to the olde bathroom with little result- eventually I found sheets of reddish brown solid stuff coming out of them same places, which was both weird [and thus sort of cool] but also [not so cool] painful.

Well, I had a pretty good idea what it probably was, but I visited the doctor Wednesday just to be sure.  Sure enough, I had kidney stones- the uric acid variety was the doctor's opinion.  Apparently there had been some infection and perhaps tearing (explaining the bleeding, I guess) accompanying them.  The stones had clearly passed by that time- so it was antibiotics for the infection, and back to making sure I drink a lot of fluids [no matter how interesting the game is].  On Thursday, it was still too painful for work, and by Friday [when I finally got back to work] I was very backed up.

So basically, it wasn't until today I finally posted a brief explanation of what was happening.

Amazing (or scary, depending upon your perspective) how many people get them!

At least there's one thing I can cook that's halfway decent.  Of course, I still buy the convenient seasoning packet, and pre-cut stew beef, and use pre-washed and prepped vegetables (can't say I haven't learned anything from Rachael Ray!).  But at least it just about always comes out fine- nice and tasty and a good break from the endless stream of packaged stuff I usually do...

Melissa's been on midwinter break all week, playing endless World of Warcraft while I work on projects I can't discuss.  I played Naruto a bit more- it has finally dawned on me that all of the achievements appear to be for XBox Live or multiplayer.  One more reason to go visit Game Stop and see what's come out in the last couple of months I might want to try my hand at.

Voted in the Washington primary this week- won't say for whom, or even which party, though.

I guess that's what passes for news these days.  Onward!

As I listen to the invigorating strains of Every Little Thing's Grip (it was one of the opening songs for the much-loved anime series InuYasha), I thought I'd tell the story behind my gamer tag, because I imagine that someone coming upon it cold might come away with a whole slew of incorrect impressions.

The time is several years back- on a trip to visit my family in Utah, my nephew Brie has introduced me to the X-Box and a game called Halo.  I am hooked almost instantly (even though he he has little patience, and routinely kills my character when I'm not keeping up in co-op- it took me days of additional play to figure out where I was when I finally got my hands on my own copy).  On my return, I order a copy of the game from Amazon, and trot down to several local stores until I finally find one (believe it was Fred Meyers) that had the console.  Somehow my high-priced delivery from Amazon went astray, so I went back to Freddy's and bought a copy of the game there [the one I ordered eventually showed up a couple of days later- no explanations- I hardly ever order next-day delivery, and I have to admit this experience didn't exactly sell me on the idea of paying extra for it].

Melissa and I are soon in those early days of Halo heaven (I always let her drive in that dash to the finish at the end)- she soon outpaces me as she always does, but we have fun, and we know Halo 2 isn't far off at all.  I don't recall which game it was in (might even have been that first Halo game, although it didn't support XBox Live itself), but I thought XBox Live sounded interesting, so I signed up for it.  When I had to make up a gamer tag, I made one up to fit what I thought was my situation- a guy pushing fifty with a tween-aged daughter playing console games?  Papa 2 Old was it.

But I didn't use it much- my daughter on the other hand, used it a lot.  Soon she had many friends signed up.  But she took quite a bit of hassle for the name "Papa" and the high-pitched voice (she still- like many young women who play shooters- takes flak occasionally about being a girl- especially from the know-it-alls who are sure she's a six year old kid).

Move forward to the arrival of the 360 [by now I'm a constant customer of the local GameStop, so mine's on first day order].  We find out after a bit that you can change gamer tags for a few bucks.  She definitely wants to ditch that name.  So I pony up the points, and she changes her tag.  Well, I want to get my own achievements and be able to play as something besides her guest, so it's time for me to buy a second live account.  I wanted to use the old tag, bt she insists it will confuse here friends.

But I was the real papa!  So I just threw in The 1 True Papa.  Thought it was a bit over the top (still do- there are plenty of ways that title could be disputed, after all, and my suitability as a good father, much less a "true" one is certainly open to debate), but decided to go ahead and do it anyway.

Only felt a bit sheepish about it once.  I happened to surf to Fox News while Geraldo Rivera was commenting on the Anna Nicole Smith paternity struggles- something to the effect that once the DNA tests were done, "we'll know who the true papa is".  But I'm The 1 True Papa!  However, that's the kind of argument I'd rather stay out of...

Today was different- I decided it was time to move to a fresher version of some software I'm "dogfooding" [which you can treat as Microsoft jargon for internal alpha / beta testing of future products].  As part of just generally stressing things and messing around while I waited for installations, etc.  I popped up four weather gadgets on my sidebar- one for Redmond, one for my Mom and Dad's location, one for my hometown, and one for my brother's location [after Dad told me it was even colder there- at the time it was, but it warmed up there faster than at Dad's, so John, Jr. got ahead of him eventually]...

I fixed a bug I found earlier in the week in DSF [no need to describe it, because it will be fixed before release], and we'll be using it for a bit while we wait for an official version of the fix to show up where we can get it.  But for now, this will hold, and it will let some good new test development work continue.  So even though I was sidelined a bit my all that installation, I still did some useful work.

After work, I went grocery shopping.  A couple of unusual things occurred.  I've been going to this store for years, so I'm familiar with most of the cashiers, although in typical fashion, I never know their names- that's me, cordial, but distant.  The fellow whose line I went through is quite professional and thorough, but today I guess he was in a hurry [might have been close to end of shift, perhaps].  Enough so that my items went through the scanner before the bagger had finished with the previous customer.  I saw three of my packages go into a bag in her cart, and tried to straighten it out, but all I could remember that went in there was some Cheerios, which she had also bought.  I wound up with them back, anyway- I later realized the other two were a bag of steak fries and of cross-cut potatoes.  On sale, 2 for 5- so someone else got my 5$ and if I want starch, I'll have to eat some bread or pop some popcorn.

Yeah, I know, I should be a typical consumer and raise a fuss and get my money back- but it's unpleasant, a hassle, and frankly I can afford to remain aloof and uncaring.  Stuff happens, and I've been deliberately cheated of much larger sums and survived it.  I honestly hope she puts them to good use, and no need to sweat the small stuff.

The scarier thing to me occurred in the lot.  I put everything in the car, went to put my cart in the rack (I usually straighten up the carts so they're nice and orderly- people tend to just shove them all in there- perhaps it seems weird, but I figure the job of collecting them is menial enough that I try not to make it too hard on them, even if they are nominally paid to do it)- happens this time someone was actually picking them up, so I gently added mine to the end, because he was busy at the other end of several carts.  Seems someone had left a paperback book in there- he seemed at a loss what to do with it, so he handed it to me.  I took it to be a romance novel- it was sizable enough.  Probably worth about what the fries were, and might last longer- I'll probably read it unless I can't stand it.  In the latter event, when I get a chance, I'll donate it to the local library.

I suppose taking it makes me a thief in some eyes- I used to try to live by such a code, but it's too hard and rigid- too demanding.  If I knew who it belonged to or had a chance of finding out- I'd give it back.  If it was reasonably valuable, I'd make some sort of effort, perhaps.  I suppose I could have gone inside and handed it to store management and it could go into lost and found limbo [I owned a business at one time, remember- I've seen the other end of that one].  I could have refused it.  I did the easy thing- took it, stuffed it in my bag, and got in the car to go home.  If I wind up in hell for that, well so be it- perhaps the company will be as easy-going and non-judgmental as I am, and I can live with that.  I suppose if I'm in hell, I'll have to- but I always liked Nephi's explanations- it ain't really hell if it isn't particularly unpleasant- so if I'm right about being able to live with it- flame on!

Now to the part I left out because I went off on a tangent about the book- a woman about my age, dressed warmly against the weather, went past my car- I waited for her to get past before I started it out of what I hope passes for common courtesy, when she turned around.  I thought perhaps she had forgotten something.  A few seconds later she was gesturing for me to roll down my window.  A bit bemused, I did.  I was soon rather surprised.

She asked if she could borrow some money for gas!  To the extent I can judge anything [and after far too much experience with scammers, I'm not about to claim superior judgment in such matters], she seemed to be "normal folk", not a panhandler- she offered to exchange addresses so she could pay it back, said she was between jobs.  I don't know- I don't carry much on me- I managed to find $15, and gave it to her.  She seemed concerned it might be a sacrifice for me- of course, about all the sacrifice it entails for me [including the potatoes from earlier] is maybe cutting back on one trip to my favorite Chinese restaurant- more realistically, I'd just be saving less.  I've learned to be careful about finances.  She said she'd pass the favor on when she could- fair enough.

But it worries me to see someone in that position.  Perhaps if things do get better for her, she may learn as I did to spend less, save more, and when the next setback comes [and they always come], find herself able to weather it on her own without having to depend upon the uncertain and often dangerous assistance of strangers.

Well, that's preachy enough for one sleepless evening [well, to be fair, I did get some rest, I just should get more before I head off to work today]

Well, it was a strange week- I spent two incredibly long work days- one of 16 hours and another of more than 12.  Of course, I didn't eat, either day [while I was at work, I mean- I usually wait until I get home to break the day's fast].  I resolved some customer issues at work, but not all.  I managed to totally tick off one of the UMDF developers (won't say which one)- but at core it was bad documentation that led me to misinterpret a customer report and draw the wrong conclusions.  I can't say, of course, why we were so busy, but it will be clear soon enough to anybody who cares [uhh, that would be almost nobody, right?].

Also helped a young woman working on some new UMDF test code with some problems in DSF.  Today that wrapped up- we found a bug, but it apparently is known and fixed [just not in the place where we got it from].  At any rate, can't provide details, there, either.

Really moved along in Assassin's Creed, then got to what must be the final challenge.  Typical stuff- too hard for me- after an hour or so of continual retries and getting nowhere, I just quit.  We'll see if I even bother trying to finish it.  There are some additional challenges I might be able to complete, though, so we'll see what happens.

Kingdom Under Fire: Circle of Doom is out, I see- Melissa would have been interested at one time, but I can tell that's no longer true.  I'll just get used to her being out of touch, until perhaps she one day tires of World of Warcraft [could happen, you never know].  Think I'll see if I can put in a pre-order for Lost Odyssey, though.

Super cold today, might even be below freezing.  Unusual for around here [not unprecedented, though].

Whole week gone, and nothing much of interest to report.  Did a bunch of stuff, just doubt that anyone could be all that interested in it.  Perhaps my sense of perspective is returning...

Of late, the weekend hasn't been what it once was- the chance to spend some time with my daughter, dining out, playing games together, watching TV.  I knew these days would come of course- she's almost a full adult.  It came gradually- games where I couldn't join in, late hours I couldn't keep up with [and yes the fact that there even are late hours at her age is one of my shortcomings as a father].  Now this time, the cause is most just- she's behind in her schoolwork, and thus staying with her mother while she gets it done.  She doesn't do it when she's here- been tried various ways, and even if I try pressure, the result isn't sufficient.

On the one hand, I miss her.  But even when she is here, she's with her friends.  Now that's good- I don't want here to wind up an adult living with her parents due to her parents being unable to sever their ties and let her live her life.  So I've been spending more time at work on the weekends, reverting to the pattern I once had when she was so young.

There are those who will say I had my chance- it's pretty much gone, my isolation is earned.  I'm not arguing about that one.  I did what I could.  I've already mentioned some regrets, but there are also things I'm proud of.  I never once struck her (I've never spanked a child, and never shall).  She's always been fed, clothed, and taken care of.  I've encouraged her efforts in many arenas- I even tried to help her when her goal was to become a sniper.  I've never attempted to dominate here or force her hand.  I may not have been disciplined enough, but that I've been willing to hazard- I felt it was better than trying to force her to be what I wanted her to be.  It is easy to argue my many defects as a father, but you can't say I haven't at least respected her.  Well, one can, of course say anything.  But I won't believe it without some pretty good evidence.

At work, this was a week of ups and downs, and I'll report on some of that in my MSDN blog, because some of that says what it's like to work at Microsoft.  It's a vibrant, challenging environment and the work means something, and people are overwhelmingly good to me- even when perhaps I don't deserve it.  At home, it's been quiet, always is.  Perhaps my solitude has finally begun to become loneliness.  That too could be a good thing- it is the first step to reaching out and perhaps becoming more.

AZN TV has begun rerunning Last Exile- I'm a week or more behind on my DVR, but I missed the first three episodes previously (I saw the last few minutes of the third when I realized a new show was airing).  It's a good one to watch, state of the art graphics intermixed with the more traditional form in a very compelling way, and the opening and ending songs really need to augment my collection.

On the gaming front, it's been Assassin's Creed pretty much all the way.  Alas, no co-op or online play- well suited for me of course, but it is good to join up occasionally with one's friends.

Well, my pizza (same as last week's, except I added a bunch of sliced Jalapeno peppers to it) is done.  So that's it for now...

For me, the holiday itself was fairly uneventful- Melissa played World of Warcraft, breaking only for pizza (a Red Baron's deluxe- pretty good stuff as it turned out), while I meandered through some more Mass Effect, and eventually [always get lax about saving only to find myself losing many many minutes of play when I finally get my butt rightfully kicked for getting in over my head] burning out and switching to Assassin's Creed [actually, opening it and trying it for the first time].

I kind of like Assassin's Creed, so far.  For one thing, I don't reset so far back when I die.  The story line is weird [which is good, I am and thus totally enjoy weird] and unexpected.  The "leap of Faith" is mind-blowing [once I got it down and quit dying, anyway].  "Assassin" isn't a role I usually care for, but I'm comfortable with it so far- it's the usual "killing noncombatants is not a good thing" set of rules [which I like], and I knew it wasn't going to be Viva Pinata...

I suppose I'll get back to Naruto some day [I tried, but XBL was in terrible shape for quite a while, there, and as a result it refused to let me into the game]- I did try Halo 3 again, because Rebel Hound had invited me to play, but by the time I got in, he was off with Wolf's Dragoon and I couldn't join.  Ahhh, well- I got some time in with a few of the old Rogue Hunters in Gears of War just before the holiday, so it's all good [been a while since I was on a team with Rebel Hound, Wolf's Dragoon and Dead Hammer- that was like "good old times" to be sure!].

Today I woke up with a pounding headache- it's subsided some [probably more to the ibuprofen than the therapeutic affect of blogging, but I'll take any solution offered if it works], but I'll be out of the office today.  Still, I hope this year will be one where I have sick days left at the end of the year- last year wasn't like that, and I guess I'm old-fashioned enough to think that isn't a good thing.

I see Penny's created a new space- didn't check to see what access it allows, but you can try clicking on her photo and see if you can view it.  Really GREAT pictures she's taken around the Pacific Northwest!

Well, as the email said, the acronym explains all for this one.  Unlike IBM in my younger days, alcohol has often been present in one form or another at many Microsoft functions, although not in the great quantities I can recall at more than a few extended family events, from weddings to funerals to picnics and random get-togethers in the past.

I myself rarely drink, but I opted to this time- last time was just before Labor Day, 2002- I was in Orlando on vacation and consumed a whopping three bottles of Heineken.  This time I was more moderate- a bottle of Fat Tire and another of Alaskan Ale [sic?].  That made me one of the heavy consumers, I believe- but this was work, and folks have to get home afterwards [I can walk if needed, and I worked another several hours, as it was]...  Doubt that two or three beers every 5 years constitutes a drinking problem, but it will keep me from getting a temple recommend [you can rightly say I'm very lapsed LDS].

Early on, our PM asked in response to a comment from someone if anyone knew where the phrase "all hell broke loose" came from.  Turns out it was Milton's Paradise Lost- Satan being cast out of Heaven and all that.  Conversation stalled a bit at that (not many classics readers among us- I have to admit to some embarrassment, because I have it but haven't yet read it- saving it for retirement), so I revived it briefly by saying it got quiet because all the bloggers [there were four of us present at that point, Peter, Ilias, Patrick, and myself] were busy trying to figure out how to weave that into their next post.  Looks like I won!  That led to a brief discussion of who the bloggers were, and the conversational beast resumed its ramblings and turnings.

Now if it had only been Dickens...

Much of the conversation at my end of the room involved Peter, who isn't around as much as he once was- change in job responsibilities, some illness that week, and he also has his first child, so the parenting load also consumes some bandwidth.  For a while the conversation revolved around children and the attendant difficulties of raising them.  Such conversations can be rather cruel in retrospect among an all male audience [at least I don't recall Shefali being present].  I held my peace because I can remember feeling some of that same need to vent in a safe direction when I was at that stage of fatherhood [and no, Peter wasn't alone in feeling some of those pressures].

But now- I know there was frustration with the crying, and the constant need for attention, but what has stuck with me has been something else entirely:

First, my daughter as an infant- round eyes not always focused, slightly smiling, not well-coordinated [but strong enough to hold her head up and so forth].  I would get home from a long day of work [I had two jobs in those days, one of which {self-employment} consumed most of the income from the other], and be handed her somewhat unceremoniously by a mother who'd had about all she could take of child rearing that day, and who was thus ready for some rest.  Melissa and I'd go to the basement and watch TV- Arsenio Hall and Star Trek Next Generation.  And I would hold her upright, facing me with both my hands under her shoulders, sway her gently back and forth and make up songs to sing to her.

I did the singing for quite a while, and eventually she could look back at me and smile a bit more, and her legs gained motor control and I could bounce her a bit more.  The songs weren't much, but they were hers:

I've got a little girl who wears yellow pajamas

I know a little girl who likes both of her Grandmas

And when she gets older she might go the Bahamas

Where everyone will call her Missy Rose.

Because she's Missy Rose, she's mommy's little smoocher

Missy Rose- the baby with a future

Yes, she's Missy Rose, she's such a little Cutie

That everybody calls her Missy Rose.

There were others, but that gives the general idea of how they went- not Grammy material, but maybe they let her know someone out there loved her.

The second class of memories were my shortcomings- I used to walk her on the ceilings, but one day she was just too heavy for me to do that anymore.  I was so exhausted much of the time that all the play we could do was hiding under the covers [I was always trying to get at least a little rest, it seemed] and making up stories- but alas, I had so much nagging at me that I began injecting cruel elements into them to vent my frustrations at spending so much time with her when there was so much to worry about.  It bothered me that I would be so cruel and had so little control over that underlying anger- but that's as close as I ever came to harming her to the best of my knowledge.  Alas, those times also ended too soon, perhaps because the underlying message that I needed space took root.  Later still, we would snuggle on the couch and watch TV or movies- but she grew older and that too came to an end.

Most recently, the times we spent playing games together (PC and then XBox) have dropped off- she's found new friends, and these teen years, those friendships and social relationships are important.  But she's growing and that part of it is good.

But I don't remember any of that as an onerous pain- perhaps someday as a grandparent I may get to do some of that again (but it will be a while, hopefully).

Now, neither class of memories is really appropriate for sharing in such a venue- too saccharine for the macho posturing that tends to go on there.  Still, I feel strongly that in remembering these things and forgetting many others I've made the better choice.